People pleasers unite!!! But only if you have the time and energy. Oh, and only if you want to but if not, that’s totally fine too. Sound familiar?
Don’t worry, you’re not alone! Being a people pleaser is something many of us struggle with whether we realize it or not. But why?? And what impact does it have on our mental health and relationships? Let’s dive in and explore together!
And if you’re looking for support, Our Philadelphia therapy office has some awesome therapists who can help you break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and set healthier boundaries.
People Pleaser Definition
First things first, what does someone mean when they say we are “people pleasers”? People pleasing is defined as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.”
People Pleaser Example
Here’s a scenario for you. It’s 4pm on a Friday and the only thing stopping you from that happy hour with your friends is about an hour of paperwork that HAS to get done before you leave. Your coworker Emily approaches and she needs help with something that will probably take 30ish minutes to complete. Instead of asking Emily to circle back on Monday, you put a smile on and help her.
It’s no big deal though because you finish up and get out of the office at around 5:25pm. But then….OH NO THERE’S TRAFFIC! The drive takes longer and by the time you get to the happy hour, all of your friends are ready to leave and your weekend is off to a rough start.
Pair that with the fact that Emily wasn’t as appreciative as you’d hoped she would be. So not only did you miss out on the fun with your friends, but you also have a secret vendetta against Emily! GRRRRRR EMILY!!!!
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or…Fawn?
We know about Fight, Flight, or Freeze, but did you know that there’s also Fawn? “Fawning” occurs when one abandons their own needs and wishes to please others and avoid conflict. This likely started in childhood when your needs were neglected or rejected, and the only way to receive attention was by being willing to help and put your own needs aside. People pleasing kids can also grow up to be codependent adults in the various relationships they maintain, whether it be friendships or romantic relationships.
There’s a downside to always avoiding conflict and doing everything to please those around you. People-pleasing becomes a habit that takes a toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing which fosters feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and even depression or anxiety. Constantly sacrificing your own needs or boundaries to make others happy, will strain your relationships and leave you feeling unappreciated (think about that example with Emily! GRRRRRR EMILY!)
While it’s important to be kind and considerate of others, it’s also important to take care of yourself and set healthy boundaries. Say no when you want to say no. Speak up when something bothers you. In the end, a balanced approach to relationships and self-care is key to living a healthy, fulfilling life.
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People Pleasing Behaviors: 9 Signs of a People Pleaser
*Disclaimer: Just because you identify with some of the items from this list does not automatically mean you are a people pleaser with a slew of childhood trauma! Seek trauma therapy to understand these tendencies better.
- You’re uncomfortable saying “No” to others. Even if it’s something you disagree with or don’t want to do. You say yes to avoid conflict or disappointing others.
- You feel resentful when others ask for favors you inevitably agree to. Don’t they know your plate is full? How dare they ask more of you when you continue to say yes to them.
- You have a hard time setting boundaries. Boundaries can definitely be tough to navigate. However, there is a fear of rejection or disappointing others if you were to set a boundary.
- You spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of you. “Do they think I’m annoying?” “Did I just come off too strong?” “I hope they aren’t mad at me” The tendency to wonder about how others perceive you is normal! As humans, we want to belong. It becomes problematic when you spend most of your time thinking about others’ thoughts and feelings and disregarding your own.
- You learned early on that pleasing others got you attention, rewards, protection, or otherwise. “If I do what they want, I don’t have to worry about them yelling at me later” “If I do well at work, get good grades, buy them presents, then they’ll love me” There’s a perpetual fear of rejection.
- You’re conflict-avoidant so as not to disappoint anyone or feel rejected. Conflict can be uncomfortable! But is it more uncomfortable than deserting your own wants and needs?
- You may be fatigued or stressed at the number of things you’ve committed to. You’ve over-committed yourself, and now you don’t have any time to do what you’d actually want to do.
- The thought of being criticized makes you feel anxious. “If they don’t like the way I did it then that means they probably hate me”
- You don’t make time for self-care. Lol what’s that? That sounds like another thing I need to make time for.
People Pleaser Anxiety
Man, I envy those people who don’t struggle with anxiety. You know, those people who seem to have it all together without a care in the world. What a life!
For the rest of us, anxiety is just part of the deal. Our heads are a constant flow of thoughts like, “am I a good enough friend to her?” or “I know he loves going bowling so it’s not a big deal that we go bowling every weekend. I like when he’s happy and he’s happy when he’s bowling!”.
***Bowling is fine once in a while but every week is too much. Would it kill him to offer up a different idea once in a…..sorry resentment brain took over for a second. ***
Us people pleasers tend to think that our loved ones will suddenly dislike us when we express our true feelings about things. We don’t want to “rock the boat” even if it means we’re constantly unhappy with our environment. The problem here is over time, the never-ending worry about what others think of us takes a toll on our mental health.
The idea that we have to always “go with the flow” to be accepted is a one way ticket to an overactive anxious brain. It’s totally valid to say “hey! My right arm is getting kind of buff from all of the bowling. How about we watch a movie this weekend instead”.
At the expense of sounding like a total Goody Two-shoes, honesty is the best policy. Being honest with those around us sets us free from pretending we love bowling and catapults into deeper relationships. “Wait, you grew up watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show also? There’s an annual showing at the movie theater by my house next week! I’ll get us tickets!”.
***Now we’re seeing a movie we both like instead of going bowling again!! Yay!***
I don’t mean to pick on bowling so much. Like I said, it’s fun once in a while. The point here is, we can’t find common ground without a little feedback. If we always let everyone else decide our environment for us, then it makes total sense that our body is in a constant state of anxiety. If we want to work on our people pleaser anxiety, we have to start putting ourselves in environments that we WANT to be in.
If you’re interested in in person therapy in Philadelphia, reach out for a free consultation! We also have online availability if you live in NJ or PA.
Is Being A People Pleaser Bad ?
While people-pleasing can have some benefits in the short-term, such as gaining approval or avoiding conflict, it can also have negative consequences in the long-term. Here are a few potential consequences of chronic people-pleasing:
Burnout and exhaustion
If you put all of your energy into helping everyone around you, you won’t have anything left in the tank for your own self-care or well-being. More often than not, this will end with you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and burnt out.
Resentment and bitterness
People-pleasers may also begin to feel resentful or bitter towards the people they are trying to please. Remember that example before with Emily (GRRRRRR EMILY!!) ? You might start feeling resentment towards her for not being more mindful of your time. But let’s look at the flip side for a second. Sure she could have shown more appreciation but at the end of the day, she was just looking for some help. Plus, she had no idea you were going to happy hour and needed to be out of the office at 5pm sharp! Now all of a sudden you have strong feelings of resentment towards her and she has no idea why!
Lack of authenticity and self-expression
When people-pleasers prioritize others’ needs over their own, they may begin to lose touch with their own values, interests, and goals. Think about the bowling example in the previous section. If you don’t speak up about the fact that you don’t love bowling, then you might just keep bowling every weekend from now until the end of time. YIKES!!!
Since you’re spending so much time doing it, you become good at it. Next thing you know you’re great at something that you don’t even enjoy that much. It would feel like you wasted all those hours if you stopped now so you’re trapped in bowling purgatory forever!
Poor boundaries and relationships
People-pleasers may struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in their relationships with others. This can lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, or even abuse, as others may take advantage of their willingness to please and avoid conflict.
Stagnation and unfulfilled potential
Finally, chronic people-pleasing can also prevent people from reaching their full potential and living a fulfilling life. When you’re constantly focused on pleasing others, it can be difficult to pursue your own goals and dreams, or take risks that may be necessary for growth and success.
By recognizing the potential consequences of people-pleasing, you can begin to take steps towards breaking free from this pattern of behavior and prioritizing your own well-being and fulfillment.
People Pleaser Trauma
People pleaser trauma describes the emotional and psychological toll that constantly seeking the approval of others can have on a person. Essentially, it’s what happens when people pleasing becomes so ingrained in your personality that you can’t help but do it, even if it means sacrificing your own needs and desires.
Here’s a scenario for you. Let’s say you’re terrified of cats and behind door #1, there’s a ferocious cat ready to dig its claws into your skin. Behind door #2, there’s pizza and netflix. Which door are you going to open?
Obviously door #2. But what happens when door #1 is that same cat, and door number #2 is a dragon. And he’s a hungry dragon.
If you have a debilitating fear of cats, maybe you were attacked by one at an early age, your brain might rationalize door #2. “I’ve had such a bad experience with cats so I know how awful door #1 is. I’m willing to take my chances with the hungry dragon”
This is obviously an over the top metaphor but the point is, our brains can sometimes trick us into rationalizing the worse of two options. If we grew up in a household where expressing our desire was considered “selfish”, we might carry that thought process over into our later relationships.
“I don’t mind going to the steakhouse for dinner even though I’m vegetarian. I’ll just get a salad!” is really just our brains saying “It’s easier to be unhappy with the restaurant than to have a conversation about what I want, because then I might come across as selfish”.
We often feel like we have to constantly put other people’s needs above our own, which can lead to a lot of stress and anxiety. And if we don’t receive the validation and approval we’re seeking, it can be really damaging to our self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
It’s important to remember that people pleaser trauma is a real thing, and it’s not something that can be easily overcome. It takes time, patience, and a willingness to acknowledge and work through those underlying issues. But with the right action plan, it is possible to break free from the cycle of people pleasing and learn to prioritize your own needs and well-being.
If you’re ready to take that step, our Philadelphia therapy services are here to support you
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People Pleasing Psychology: Why am I such a people pleaser?
So, why do people-pleasers behave the way they do? There are several factors that can contribute to this pattern of behavior:
Fear of rejection
Nobody likes rejection. It SUCKS! But if we avoid it too much, it starts to take control of our everyday actions. It makes sense that people-pleasers have a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment. It’s often a result of us learning early in life that pleasing others is a way to gain acceptance and avoid being criticized. This fear drives us to prioritize other people’s needs over our own, in an effort to maintain the approval and affection of those around us.
Low self-esteem
It’s not uncommon for people-pleasers to struggle with low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy. We have a tendency to question our judgment and believe that our needs and wants aren’t as important as those of others. This is dangerous because it can lead to a cycle of seeking validation and approval from others, rather than cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and confidence.
Cultural and social norms
This one’s tricky because it has such a direct relationship to those closest to us but some cultures and social circles prioritize always putting others first and avoiding conflict. Growing up in an environment like this can lead us to believe that people-pleasing is the “right” way to behave. At the same time, expressing our own needs could be seen as selfish or disrespectful.
Learned behavior
You might be a people pleaser because you learned to be a people pleaser! If we’re constantly rewarded for being accommodating and agreeable (like for instance your parents always tell everyone how helpful and selfless you are), we will likely continue that behavior even when it’s not in our best interest to do so.
Getting out of that cycle can be extremely tough, especially if it’s been going on for a long time. That being said, with a little awareness and practice, it’s possible to start prioritizing our own needs and boundaries!
People Pleasers In Relationships
Being a people pleaser can have a big impact on your relationships, both romantic and otherwise. If you’re constantly putting others’ needs before your own, it can be hard to communicate your own wants and needs in a relationship. You might find yourself agreeing to things you don’t really want to do, or avoiding conflict at all costs, just to keep the other person happy.
This can create a power imbalance in the relationship, with one person always taking the lead and the other always following. Over time, this can erode the foundation of trust and respect that a healthy relationship needs.
It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and communication. That means being honest about your feelings, even if it means disagreeing with your partner or standing up for yourself. It also means listening to your partner’s needs and finding ways to compromise that work for both of you.
If you’re struggling to break free from people pleasing behaviors in your relationships, consider seeking out couples therapy or counseling. A professional can help you explore your patterns and find ways to create healthier boundaries and communication habits.
Recovering People Pleaser
If you consider yourself a people pleaser, then saying no is one of the hardest things you can do. You might have even been conditioned to believe that saying no would make you seem like a ‘bad person.’ Well, let’s take a moment and identify what a bad person looks like. Close your eyes and picture a bad person- what do you see?
Let me share my definition of a bad person. For me, a bad person is someone that commits heinous crimes at the expense of the safety and well-being of others with no remorse. A bad person, to me, is someone that can be morally corrupt and hurts others intentionally for their own pleasure.
With that in mind, does saying no really seem that bad now? I hope not! Saying no to others might feel uncomfortable at first, but setting that boundary is such an important step in regaining your control. Without having the ability to say no when you want to, you give up your right to set boundaries with people that might take advantage of you.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Spend time alone – Reflect on who you are, what you value, and what you enjoy. Having a better sense of these gives you the building blocks of what you want your life to look like. When something arises that is incongruent with your wants, needs, and values, you may have an easier time noticing this and setting yourself up to say the dreaded “No.”
Challenge negative thoughts – People pleasers often have negative thoughts about themselves, such as “If I don’t do this for them, they won’t like me.” Challenge these thoughts by reminding yourself that you are worthy of love and respect regardless of what you do for others. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help with this!
Practice self-care – Self-care is essential for everyone, but especially for recovering people pleasers. Take time to do things that make you happy and nourish your soul, whether that’s taking a relaxing bath, going for a walk, or indulging in your favorite hobby. When you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to take care of others without sacrificing your own well-being.
Work on your boundaries – There are many resources, including books, podcasts, articles, videos, etc. People pleasing can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment. Boundaries teach people how you want to be treated and what you accept. Remember, though, that boundaries are your job to set and maintain. Practicing boundaries outside these specific scenarios can help when these people-pleasing tendencies arise.
Learn how to say “No” – Start by saying something like, “Let me get back to you on that” this gives you space to come back later and say no after thinking it over. Practice in the mirror! It may feel silly, but if you’re not used to saying it out loud, it can feel much more daunting.
People pleasing can be difficult to change or let go of if this is something that feels really familiar. Throughout the process of releasing this, remember that you’re not the only one that struggles with people pleasing. Approach this change – and any other changes you feel are needed in your life to improve your mental health – with a non-judgemental and compassionate stance to give yourself the best chance for success! Bonus points if you are able to seek therapy:)
Seek therapy – There’s no quick fix to people pleasing, especially when it is based in trauma. A trauma therapist would be a great choice to help you understand the root cause of people-pleasing tendencies and how to move forward in a way that best suits you and your system. If you’re looking for a Philly therapist, our private practice has trauma informed therapists with availability!
9 Ways to set your Boundaries and STOP People Pleasing
Let’s start practicing setting some boundaries! Now, I’m not suggesting we jump straight into the deep end and say a big NO to everyone that comes our way (although if that’s what works for you- I support you). We can start with smaller boundaries. Here are some examples of what that looks like:
- “Sounds good! Maybe I’ll be able to get to it later.”
- “I’m not sure if I can fit this in, but I will definitely keep you posted.”
- “I understand you want me to _____, but I’m not sure I’ll have the time.”
- “That’s not typically my responsibility- I can try to help you find someone else that can help.”
- “I don’t really feel well right now, I can’t.”
- “I’m not going to be able to continue to work on this. Can we see if anyone else is able to help?”
- “I decided that I want to be able to plan this on my own, but I really appreciate your help!”
- “You gave great ideas- I think I’m going to go with my original choice.”
- “That doesn’t really make me feel comfortable, I think this ____ isn’t for me.”
A quick disclaimer: when you start setting boundaries with the people that have benefitted from you not having them before- things can get a little uncomfortable. I can also assure you that this feeling is usually temporary and goes away once those people conform with the idea that you will not please them at your expense. Another exciting reminder is that these people will start to respect you a lot more! And if they don’t- then maybe this is a relationship that needs to be reconsidered.
Remember, say yes to things that align with your morals and values. It’s more important to be authentically you than to mold into someone else’s expectations of you. 🙂
Stopping Your People Pleasing Behaviors Will Set You Free
The life of a people pleaser is tough. But, it’s important to recognize that constantly putting everyone else first can have a bunch of nasty consequences on your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.
Take the time to figure out your needs, learn to set boundaries, and practice self-care and self-compassion. Trust me, your friends will still love you even if you disagree with them on which appetizer to get the next time you’re out to dinner!
If you find that you’re struggling to break free from the shackles of being a people pleaser, don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist. I know of a few of the best therapists in Philadelphia that i can recommend to you 🙂
Frequently Asked Questions about being a People Pleaser
What’s wrong with being a people-pleaser?
While there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to make others happy, being a people pleaser can become a problem when it starts to negatively impact your own well-being and sense of self-worth. Constantly putting others’ needs before your own can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of fulfillment in your own life.
What does people-pleasing at work look like?
People pleasing at work can look like saying yes to every request, even if you don’t have the bandwidth for it, or avoiding conflict at all costs. It can also manifest as not speaking up with your own ideas and opinions, and constantly seeking approval from your boss or colleagues.
What causes people-pleasing?
People pleasing can be caused by a variety of factors such as a desire for acceptance, fear of rejection, or a need for control. It often stems from childhood experiences or a belief system that values putting others’ needs before your own.
What are the consequences of people-pleasing?
When you prioritize pleasing others over your own needs and wants, you can experience negative consequences such as anxiety, burnout, and difficulty setting boundaries in relationships. It can also lead to feeling unfulfilled and lacking a sense of identity.
People Pleaser meaning
The meaning of a people pleaser is someone who seeks to please others and gain their approval, often at the expense of their own needs and well-being. While it can be seen as a positive trait, it can also lead to negative consequences and impact one’s mental health.
What are some common people-pleaser traits?
Common people pleaser traits can include being overly agreeable, avoiding conflict at all costs, having a hard time saying “no” to requests or demands, and prioritizing others’ needs over their own. These traits can make it difficult for people pleasers to set boundaries, make decisions for themselves, and feel confident in their own choices.
What does people-pleasing therapy look like?
People pleasing therapy can involve various techniques and approaches, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and psychoanalytic therapy. The specific approach used will depend on the individual’s needs and the therapist’s preferences. However, a key focus of therapy is usually to help people-pleasers develop better self-awareness, set boundaries, and learn to assert themselves more effectively.